Thursday, October 21, 2010

Silver Lining...

I started blogging so I could get my mind off of some things... but when it comes to actually writing down what's bothering me I'm terrified.  It's like if I actually type the words out that are in my head & heart it means they are true and I'm just not ready to face that yet.  But every time I sit down to write, the words I'm so afraid of are the only ones that come to mind.  So here it goes... 

April 18, 2010 will forever be a day that I remember... the 18th of every month is just another dagger into my oh so tender heart.  It's just a reminder that another month has gone by.  Another month that I don't have my dad.  My dad was one of my best friends.  He and I talked nearly every day.  We have always had a strong bond, I was always "daddy's little girl"  But he was taken away from me too quickly... I'm only 25 I still need my father.  We aren't sure if it was the Cancer or the surgery that took him from us but all I know is that there is a hole in my heart that I wish wasn't there.  I wasn't raised in a religious home, but what faith I had has been stripped away.... I long for it to come back but I'm not there yet.  I'm still so confused, mad and hurting.... Tears fall from my eyes every day, when will the death of my father stop hurting so bad? God hasn't been able to answer that question yet... Will he ever? 

Dad & Mom
My parents would have been married 43 years this December and they had so many plans, so much more life to live with each other.... People say every cloud has a silver lining, well if this could ever be consider a positive, it's that my 29 year old brother (military man, husband, father of 3 girls) came home for the memorial service.  He was complaining that his back/stomach has been hurting him again.  He had been to the doctors on base for months on end, they just kept giving him steroid shots in his back and kept sending him on his way.  While he was home, my mom finally made him go to the hospital... 4 hours later we found out that he has stage 4 stomach cancer.  He had previously had testicular cancer and doctors said that his cancer may have spread to his stomach from his operation to remove his testicular cancer.  He is currently undergoing chemo and radiation treatments and may have surgery in mid November.  He is so sick all the time and it breaks my heart that my 7 year old niece has to see her daddy that way because she is starting to learn what a beast cancer can be.  

All I know is that I'm not ready to loose another family member to cancer... this isn't the first time.  My grandfather had brain cancer and he died within a month from being diagnosed, my cousin fought and won breast cancer, but my great aunt wasn't so lucky with her battle.  From a very young age whenever I heard the word cancer I knew it to be bad and well, it hasn't proven to be anything different... I'm really searching for that silver lining... 


@ Noble 

2 comments:

  1. I read this blog when you originally posted it but I wanted to wait to see if I could think of something to say that would make you feel a little better. I couldn't think of anything but heart is so sad for you. My aunt was diagnosed with brain cancer two years ago and it was one of the worst things I have ever been through. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

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