Note to all Technology

Most days technology just gives me a simple "up yours" and I'm ok with that; but today it all has been against me...it is my sworn enemy!!!  I got the idea to write a letter to my technology from one of my favorite blogs to read Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock At A Time, so here it goes.

Dear Cell Phone:

I love you, but I hate you!!! You are one of the most amazing phones I've ever had but what's up with dropping my calls, trying to 3 way call the person I'm speaking to without my consent, randomly switching screens, not allowing my hands free to work, refusing to allow the GPS to keep working while I'm in uncharted territory (AKA the fucking GHETTO of Memphis),  putting me on mute/speaker phone just for the hell of it, killing my battery in just a few minutes and overall just being a major pain in my ass today!  When I needed you the most you failed me, so "F" you, you might soon be replaced bitznatch... Gurrr

Dear Mac Computer:

I've had you for 5 years... I gave you life and I can take it away from you as well!  If you don't stop "freezing up", refusing to connect me to the Internet, auto correcting words (I never changed the setting to allow you to do that BTW) and refusing to allow me to get onto blogger.com for hours today I'm going to chuck you off the balcony and watch you break into a million little pieces!  I might even replace you with a P.C.  Yea, you heard me right a P.C.  Word!

Dear Ice-maker:

Just incase you didn't know you are in an apartment... that means if I bitch about you one more time you will be replaced!  Stop making weird ice and odd noises.  Also, when I turn you off, I expect you to stay off... got it?!!!

Dear Dryer:

Please, pretty please, stop making that weird noise and please dry things on the first "dry cycle"  I don't want to replace you... I really don't.  I know you and the washer make a great pair and I would never want to split you guys up. You're like Johnny Cash and June Carter, Bonnie and Clyde, Thelma and Louise, PB&J!

Dear Random technology items at Best Buy:

Best Buy is C's favorite place to shop, so next time I walk into the store and pick up an I pad, camera, and Kindle please ( I beg of you, Please!) don't set off the sensor alarm thingy.  I don't want to steal you!!  I just want to play with you and put you on my Christmas list.  You all make me feel like an ass when the same store worker has to come over to shut off the theft alarm multiple times.  I was practically on a first name basis with the dude.  I think I'm now on Best Buys Most Suspected to Steal Shit List... I'm a good person, I'm married to a cop, I promise you (items) I don't want to steal you, I just want to make sure you are worth the $$$

I hate all technology... C says technology refuses to work in my presence and insist on doing weird things (things that even experts have never seen happen to their precious items before) because I grew up in the country and I drank well water, therefore I have more iron, copper and lead (and other minerals) swimming in my veins which makes me like kryptonite to all electric devices.  Sadly, I'm starting to think he's onto something.

I hope someday I will grow out of this weird funk and technology will like to work with me because I'm open to the relationship.

@ Noble